Growing up in our home there was an unspoken rule. Don't talk about your feelings, don't think, because it hurts and if you feel it would be too painful. Since both my parents were abused, it's amazing they did as well as the did.
When I was 39 I had a nervous breakdown. All the pain and hurt that had been stuffed for my whole life came crashing down.
A wonderful Christian lady took me under her wing and taught me how to live as a victorious, joyful Christian. I had been saved for about 13 years, but was still full of anger and bitterness. I was a puffed up, self righteous brat.
One of the things she taught me was to get in touch with my feelings. The only feeling I allowed myself was anger. I was really good at that. She gave me a list of feelings. When something would happen in my life, I would get the list and read down to the feeling that would be "normal". Then, what would that feeling feel like. It was really challenging for me, since anger was what I learned growing up.
The day before Mother's Day, I completely feel apart. The first year without my mom. Wow, it hurt, I cried and cried. I allowed myself to feel the sadness of loss. It was painful and yet I was allowing myself to feel the correct emotion for the situation.
Someone told me to only think of the good times. I do. Mom was an amazingly funny, happy person up to 2 days before she died. But, it was important for my well being to feel the pain of grief, to really feel it and embrace it. Its part of the process. I know I am doing just what God has created me to do at this time. I'm human, with human emotions that God has given each of us.
To stuff the pain and keep going was what I learned growing up. To feel, really feel, is God's gift to us. So I feel. Also, I learn what true grief is like to understand others who deal with grief.
We walk this road, so we can have compassion and understanding for others when they walk the road after is. Then the pain isn't wasted. God uses everything for His glory.
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